the button

well i'm blogging cuz my far away friend requested that i do... so here ya go buddy.

i've not been busy for awhile now so i've had lots of time to think about things and one thing i realized is that i'm on occation not mentally balanced! hahaha. i've done some really weird stuff when it comes to matters of the heart or just emotional things.... for one thing i think i have abandonment issues... well i dunno if that's really what you call it but this is basicly what i feel... i feel... forgoten. and i hate feeling that... for example when my parents are late to meet me i feel like they are late because they forgot about me... and this seems to only be with my parents cuz if my friends were late i don't read anything into it... but for some reason when it's my parents i feel like... it's a sign that i'm meaningless to them.. that i don't matter and that i'm insignificant... and at first i feel angry for like 1 minute but that quickly changes to utter sadness. i dunno why i hold this high standard for my parents... like i want them to be there right when i want them... classic example.. when i used to have piano lessons and i'd wait outside for them to pick me up after... if they were more than 20 minutes late i'd be in a state of tears by the time the did come... i'd work myself into such a frenzy convincing myself that they forgot about me, that they didn't even love me at all and i'd just fall into such loneliness... hence the tears. i seem to constantly need reassurence that my parents love me and want me. why do i need to feel wanted so badly? i'm reminded of this fight i had with my mom about 2 years ago when in anger she said to me "just leave, i don't want you" or something to that affect and that was the most painful thing i've ever been through... i think she could have said many horrible things to me cuz i deserved to hear them but nothing would have hit my emotional core as intensely as words saying that i was unwanted.

so i think this "unwanted" things is deffinatly one of my buttons... i think it could infact be "the button"! so when it is pushed i basicly fall apart. and i think an off-shoot of this "being wanted" issue is why i do so poorly after breakups with boyfriends. i've had 2 breakups in my life and both times i've done something reactionary that i now regret.... in the case of pat... i was at his friend's blog... she had written a poem for him expressing her love for him and that's how i found out that they were together... i mean of course it was none of my business who he's dating now but at that moment i was sad cuz we had drifted so far from eachother while he had drifted so much closer to his "friend"... who now was his girlfriend. i was jealous that he had found real love when i was no closer to finding it for myself... it seriously wasn't even that i wanted him back for myself but i guess i wanted love back in my life like it was back in his life. it so obvious to me that she could love and relate to him on a level i couldn't ever with him... they were from the same scene... so i guess their falling in love just made so much more sense than we ever did... so if part of me is happy that he found love and i'm over him and don't want him for myself why was i so bummed by his moving on? i think it was cuz i felt unwanted yet again.

in the case of ottawa boy yet again i was being played by him and i think the situation ultimately left me feeling unwanted. so i reacted by abandonning him first... and in turn ruined any chance of being his friend. i can see in hindsight that he was selfish with the way he treated me and a romantic reationship wouldn't have worked out in the long run so i have come to terms with that but now i've lost what could have still been a pretty cool friendship... and for burning that bridge i'm pretty bummed.

so yeah.. that's what i've learned about myself... i need to think more rationally instead of reacting emotionally cuz i could drive everyone that matters to me away... and i'd really end up alone and unwated instead of just imagining it. and recently i've gotten the chance to be rational instead of emotional when i felt forgotten. my friends were gonna have a bbq at their building so i went to the patio and no one was there so i called them and it turned out that it was cancelled but no one thought to inform me so i had made the effort to be there. well i was pissed of course but i have to learn that the people you let closer to you can hurt you much harder... so i've got to stop trusting people so unquestionably... cuz everyone will make mistakes... dissapointment is inevitable even if it is unintentional. i really hope that i develope a tougher skin cuz i really want to be able to stand on my own two feet and be happy.

posted by :: sweet layer :: @ 4:10 AM