.: sweet layer :.

2006-09-07T01:16:00.000-04:00

OK Go - Here It Goes Again

this is the best music video i've seen in quite awhile... so i just had to share!

year in review

2005-12-30T04:35:00.000-05:00

it hardly seems real that 2005 is almost over... it's nice to sit down and think really hard about all the great moments that i got to experience that have since transformed themselves into great memories this year.

i was in such a different place at the beginning of 2005 than i am now at the end of 2005... in janurary, i was still thinking about school projects and exams... in feburary, i was thinking about how much i wanted to see my guy and how much it hurt when things didn't work out... by april, it was all about how hard and painful it was to say good bye to friends after finishing university... then it was summer and having fun with my friends at these festivals and parties was my main priority... and of course travelling europe was the highlight of my life! yup, it's definitely been a life changing year... and it's important to remember all the good stuff and learn from the bad stuff. hope you take the time to reminisce too.

is this really the way guys are?

2005-10-16T00:27:00.000-04:00

i got the following from a guy friend... who got it from a girl friend. i found it... interesting! ok, i saw a lot of truth in it so i thought i'd share it with everyone...

it starts off with a dear abby type letter...the girl has found herself in quite the usual situation. she's gotten intimate with a guy too soon, wants something more serious and has tried to discuss her feelings with him... but talking about it has made him distance himself from the girl and she wants to know how to change the situation so that he sees how much she's worth.

the following text is the response to the letter. maybe it'll flip-on the light switch for some ladies out there who are unclear about a relationship. WARNING... IT'S LONG!

Ok, listen closely.

I'm about to share something with you that
I want you to NEVER, EVER forget.

It's the reality about how most men work
when dating.

Ready?

A man will NEVER see your "worth" just
because he's having sex with you.

It sucks, but that's the way men act
sometimes.

And guess what?

You're dating a man.

So let me be very clear here:

Just because a man has sex with a woman,
it doesn't mean that he's spent even a second
of his time deciding whether or not he wants
to be with her in the future.

Got it?

Ok, good.

Because even though you've already moved on
to how you're going to settle down together,
he hasn't even decided if he wants to try
anything "serious" out with you.

Sure, it would be great if a man let you know
this before he slept with you, but that's not
reality most of the time.

And I'm willing to bet you played a part in
this.

You're not entirely innocent.

Were you up-front and honest about what you
were looking for?

Or did your true feelings sneak up on you,
freak you out, and then freak him out too?

GIVING AWAY YOUR "SELF" TO A MAN

I've got an important question for you...

Who made this guy the final judge of your
"worth" as a woman?

The answer...

You did.

Cut it out.

And I'll bet I know WHY you did it.

I'm going to get a bit "deep" and
"spiritual" here with you, all in the name
of tough love.

You're seeking his APPROVAL in the worst
kind of way.

You're waiting and wanting HIM to show
YOU that you deserve the experience of open
and unrestrained love.

You're counting on him to be the strong
and masculine lover you've always wanted,
who will break through the barriers in both
of your hearts.

That way you can SURRENDER to the deep
kind of love that you truly desire from a man.

Unfortunately, that's not what's happening
or how he FEELS with you right now.

But deep down, you believe that if you
can come up with enough "proof" that he
should love and value you, and if you can
make things "perfect" between you two, then
he'll become the open and loving man you
imagine him to be.

It's time.

It's time for the little girl who's seeking
a man's approval in order to experience love
to grow up.

It's time for you to stop hoping that a
man will become the man you want him to be,
when he shows you that he doesn't even have
a clue about what love is or how to be with
a woman.

But you're so wrapped up in his perspective,
what he's doing, his feelings, his emotions and
his desires (or lack thereof) that you've all
but forgotten about something WAY MORE IMPORTANT.

What YOU really want.

I'll take a wild guess here and bet that
the kind of guy that you truly want isn't the
kind of guy who would act how this guy is acting.

As in, the kind of guy who would sleep with a
woman and then act distant and irritated with her
just because she wants to talk about how she's
feeling.

So, sorry for asking but...

What the h#ll are you doing!?

You're wasting your energy trying to get
the love and approval of someone who acts like
a person you don't even want to be with!?

Ok, now that we've verbally smacked you around
a little bit, we can move on from what NOT to do
to learning what to do.

LOVE, SEX AND THE MIND OF THE "MASCULINE MAN"

You need a lesson on who a man really is.

There are FASCINATING biological reasons
for why men act the way they do.

But the reasons that are the most important
for you to understand right now aren't the
"scientific" ones.

I'm going to get a tiny bit "out there" right
now, but stick with me...

There's a big difference between what I'll
call the "masculine" energy and the "feminine"
love or energy.

Pay careful attention here.

The feminine energy grows with fullness,
praise, connection and love, to allow a kind
of "surrender" in all kinds of joyful
experiences.

With sex, women surrender to the experience
with a man through love and connection, which
can make the man and woman as one.

But the masculine energy doesn't work this
way. At least not in the "darker" part of a man.

The masculine energy is VERY different.

The masculine energy seeks to break through
challenges all alone and arrive at its desire -
"emptiness" and "freedom".

Have you ever heard a man talk about how
he wanted his "freedom"... and you wondered
what the hell he was talking about?

And you could tell that he didn't even
really know what he meant by his "freedom".

This "freedom" or emptiness is actually the
masculine means of surrender and fulfillment.

Just as the feminine means is connection and
loving.

Ever noticed that lots of men fall right to
sleep or act like they're off somewhere else
after sex?

There are tons of pop-culture references to
men doing this in TV, movies, books, etc.

People know that men often behave this way.

It's "conventional wisdom".

But most people don't really know WHY men
act this way.

Here's my favorite way of explaining it...

Have you ever thought about why so many men
have a strong addiction to watching sports
events.

Well, each game is setup in a specific way
that draws a man's emotions into the
experience.

At the center of each game is a person or a
team that rises up to overcome.

It's a kind of trial where a man will break
through hardship, competition and challenge.

And when a team or player scores a goal or
a touchdown and celebrates, something
fascinating takes place.

The man "breaks through" the challenge into
"freedom" and the final emptiness of victory.

Then the men will celebrate as though their
greatest desires have been fulfilled and cry
out as they never have before.

Bizarre and fascinating...

Ok, back to Earth.

How does this relate to dating, sex and love?

With sex, a man doesn't "surrender" to
love and connection the way a woman does...
unless he learns to.

** And yes, a man can and should learn how
to surrender himself with his woman to love **

But instead, men often seek the physical
challenge of sex as a goal unto itself, where
they can break through to a temporary "freedom"
and emptiness.

Whoa... Heavy stuff.

Here's the point, in case you don't like
talking in myths and metaphors.

But first, don't go telling this story to
the man you're dating or with out of the blue.

He will think you're CRAZY - unless he's the
kind of guy that's already on a more spiritual
kind of "path".

This is for YOU to know and to work with.

So back to you....

Notice that in physical experiences with
women, or in life for that matter, most men
don't have the same strong drive to be deeply
and unwaveringly CONNECTED to the people
around them like most healthy women do.

Often times, they're driven by something
that has nothing to do with love, intimacy
and connection.

Yeah, I know. Men are CRAZY and messed up
and different.

But men don't have to be bizarre and
strange this way if they LEARN and become
AWARE.

Or...

If they have a woman who gets it, she can
lead and challenge him into finding freedom
through love and connected experience, not
through empty physical experience and isolation.

LET'S TIE IT ALL TOGETHER

Here's the thing...

A man will NEVER see you exactly the way
you want him to see you, or value you exactly
the way you know you should be valued, if...
you're doing things just to seek and win his
love and APPROVAL.

Yes, you might have "goofed" by being
physical with him too early.

But stop being so hard on yourself. It's
the past, and it's not the problem now.

The real problem now is something entirely
different.

Sleeping or being physical with a man is
NOT a bad thing.

Trust me. wink, wink.

But you've got to create the right feelings
within him before and during the experience of
being together for it to truly bring you closer
in love.

Sorry, but just being there isn't going to
do it and reach a man's heart.

Wow, I just realized... men are actually so
high-maintenance.

Anyways...

So you want to know how to "re-wire" things?

Here's what to do first:

Stop wanting the fact that you've had sex
to magically win him over into being an open
and loving partner like you are.

Then go back and read the section in my book
inside Chapter 8 called "Triggering A Deeper Level
Of Attraction In A Man".

What you need to know is there.

(and read, re-read and put it to use this time!)

But let's keep going and I'll touch on a few
of the same points that are in there.

Ever thought about what a man really wants
in a woman to date or fall in love with?

I'm talking about mature, healthy men here.

** They want someone that they WANT **

They want to WANT a woman, to worship her,
to please her, to ravish her, and to sweep her
off her feet with their physical and emotional
presence.

And for the woman to be utterly and completely
taken with them and what they do.

I'm sure you've seen or heard this kind of
male fairy tale before.

So why don't men just act this way with
women if this is what they want?

Ahhh... welcome to dating.

Because most women don't create the experience
that will make a man FEEL this way.

So here's a "center-piece" of the puzzle...

I call it the "Pursuit Gene".

There's a drive in men that makes them want
to be CHALLENGED... and to overcome that challenge.

I know it sounds cliché, but it's true.

Remember the "spiritual" story from earlier?

Men want to be challenged by the idea of
meeting, attracting, and pursuing a woman.

And then they want to win the woman over
and feel stronger as a man for having done it.

Men deal with this in one of two ways:

1. They find more "freedom" and emptiness by
physically being with a woman in the short term

2. They find connection and love by physically
AND emotionally being with the woman in a deeper
and "longer-term" way

Here's the AMAZING part...

A woman helps him choose which it will be
with her.

Interesting...

The point is, men LOVE the chase.

Some men might tell you that they don't.

They do.

Men love the chase and the challenge not in
their "logical" minds, but down where it counts.

They love it in their FEELINGS and EMOTIONS.

It's part of their genetic make-up.

But if a woman loses control emotionally,
seeks HIS APPROVAL or thinks she can trade sex
to receive love before a man's experiencing an
intense desire to WIN HER OVER and to be with her,
then something bad happens.

The man loses that feeling of excitement
and challenge with her.

He recognizes that the woman has already
given over physical and emotional CONTROL to
him.

Which destroys the strongest "lead-in" to
creating lasting love with a man.

It's just one simple word.

ATTRACTION.

Men want to feel ATTRACTION.

And I don't mean that they want to talk about
it or analyze it so that it makes "sense".

They don't want to listen to what a woman
tells them is going on and then come to accept
and understand how and why they should be in love.

No. That's not how men work.

Instead, they want to FEEL their desire for a
woman inside their whole body, emotionally driving
them, and for it to be undeniable and unrelenting.

Get where I'm going here?

If you don't make a man FEEL ATTRACTION for
you and trigger the emotional desire deep inside
him to win you over and be with you for the long
term, then there's no amount of talking, sharing,
or SEX that can change his mind.

cheerio!

2005-09-15T01:00:00.000-04:00

hello everyone

apryl and i are in london again... we arrived this morning after a 45 minute flight from paris.

the last time i wrote we were in pisa italy... let me just say lots has happened!

from pisa we took the train to napoli (naples) italy... it had to pass through rome to get there and it was a longer than anticipated ride... we were about 1 hour behind schedule... we got into naples when it was already dark and lets just say naples..... is kinda.... ghetto! it's not a pretty place. but we walked to this lovely 3 star hotel called la luna rossa where we met the man that made our trip to this scary city just a dream come true! he was our concierge... luigi leone! (its kinda cool cuz we met a mario and a luigi from italy) he gave us a $120 room for $70... and when i went back down to the front desk his pizza was being delivered and he gave us two slices...all from the kindness of his big heart! he was soooooooo nice! we took the subway to sorrento (sp?) to catch a coach bus to positano cuz mario told us that we had to.... simply had to go there. and he was right.... it was BREATHTAKING!!!!
positano

look at that water!

it was just sandy beaches and then cliffs riseing hundreds of meters into the sky and then a village literally built right into the mountainside! it was.... heaven on earth! the problem was when we couldn't get the bus back to sorrento... we just didn't know were the bus stop was? and we didn't see any comeing our direction... but a car stopped and said... "where are you going?"

hitch hiking was not as fun as this picture makes it out to be

that's right!!!! we hitch hiked in italy! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

it was kinda shocking and it took me a whole day to get over the fact that we actually did! i can honestly say i didn't think i ever would but it all turned out fine... we are safe and sound despite the little voice inside that said... "be careful!" so we made it back to napoli and caught a train to rome!!!

we are just glad we made it! sweet relief!

rome's trevi fountain

pantheon

san pietro in vatican city where the new pope stays

rome was just as i imagined! we walked for miles and saw sooo many things
we saw the trevi fountain... pantheon! (and what made it suuuuper cool for me was that it was an art project for me back in highschool do draw the pantheon!) so to actually see it was a deffinate moment! the next day we went to st pietro... that's where the pope is... and we went tot he vatican museum! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and the sistine chapel! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
it was beyond awesome! i love every second of it! it's so beautiful! and to actually see it in person was something i really cound't even have dreamed for. michealangelo's frescos were so lifelike they looked 3d! he was a master of light for real!

sistine chaple creation of man

we also went to the colloseum which is very big by the way! and the guides were so cool and explained some of the battles that they used to stage there... they estimate about 4-5 thousand men died there each year... so in total about 1 million men died for this spectator sport!

colloseum

inside the colloseum

we had the most amazing gelati by trevi fountain... it was the best thing i've ever had! and i got a fake gucci bag from a street vendor... he started at 60 and i worked it down to 30. i like my bag and i never saw another vendor selling it so i'm happy that i got it.

from rome we flew to paris... we went to the eiffel tower, les halles, notre dame , champs ellesse, louvre, place de la concord, walked on st germaine... we walked till our feet throbed! we ened up having dinner near the tower ( i had a terrine to start, duck for main, and a caramel cream custard for dessert) and then we walked to the eiffel to watch it light up... we sat on the saw for about 30 minutes look up at one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen.. it brought tears to my eyes! it was perfect!

we spent the night in the de gaulle airport to catch an early flight to london... and here we are.. back to the beginning and the present.. this trip is comeing to an end soon but it's deffinatly gonna stay with me...

i'll probably be back in canada the next time you hear from me!

take care everyone... hope to hear from you or see you soon!

cheers!

charlene

fish and chips for lunch
the cutest phonebooths are in london
the secret garden at kensington palace
english flowers in a notting hill market
fuzzy hats! haha
last night of the trip. we went back to piccadilly circus for dinner

hi from the leaning tower of pisa

2005-09-10T00:57:00.000-04:00

ciao everyone! apryl and i are in pisa!

we just got back from seeing the leaning tower... just for your information, it is open to the public again and you can climb the tower for a fee. it has been awhile since i wrote from barcelona... sorry but we hardly have any down time with all the sightseeing. since barcelona we have been to nice france (french riviara), venice italy and florence italy!

nice was fun.. i met a french guy named francois on the train going to nice. he studies law in montpellier but goes back on some weekends to nice to see his family... so lets see... he's friendly(check), educated (check), comes from a good family (father is a doctor, check) he speaks 3 languages (check), loves travel (he went camping in the alps, check), he's stylish (check), he's cute (check) ... ok that's it... i'm moving to FRANCE! hahaha just kidding! apryl and i went to a grocery store called monoprix and picked up a bottle of framboise sparkeling wine, a bagette, litchi yogurt and walked down to the shore (beach ) and made ourselves a picnic on the french riviara!!!

welcome to nice, the french riviera

the shore of nice

how cool... so ok we got a little laughy and couldn't stop for awhile! haha for some reason my arms felt kinda heavy and limp at the same time but i think it was just psychological cuz there was hardly any alcohol in the wine... it was a girly drink!

the train ride to venice from nice was ridiculous! it was an overnight train but we decided to be economical (cheap) and get the seat car tickets instead of the sleeper car ticket... they not only squished us 6 to a room but the seats were torture contraptions... you'd basicly have to be shaped like a pisscaso cubist sculptor to fit comfortably!. it was either built to fit giants or midgets cus an person with average proportions just couldn't get comfortable! haha it was so frustrating it was funny!

the rialto is a famous bridge and this view is captured by every single tourist to this amazing city

a gondela ride is super expensive but look how cool it is

a gondelier in venice

san marco is that famous square in venice with all the pigeons

venice was simply the coolest place! we went on a boat ride through the canals to this island called murano... that is where they blow venician glass and make the most beautiful things all out of glass.... we saw them make a vase, plate, jug and the coolest was watching them make a stallion figurine standing on its two hind legs... it's really fast. it takes 20 years of training to become a master so that they can make stuff in 20 seconds. they use copper to make the green colour, pure gold to make the red and manganese (sp?) or was it magnessium (sp?) to make the black colour.... needless to say we picked up some pieces of glass with pure silver and 24kgold while in venice... some of them were less than 5 euro!!!

murano is where all the venician glass is crafted

stallion of glass by a murano master

check out my necklace. murano glass baby!haha

apryl's newest addition to her paperweight collection

we spent one night in florence which is too bad cuz i would have really really really loved to see the museums there ... but we arrived too late and left to early the next day. we did however wander past a market by a beautiful church on our way to our hostel and made it back just before they closed... this market sold leather goods... wow it smelled so good!

we got a little lost in florence when it came to finding a place to call it a night

it is 1:05pm in pisa now and have a train to catch to naples at 3:00pm
you have to see our pictures of the tower! i honestly never dreamed i'd get to see it! you walk up to it and it's seriously trippy! haha it's actually really beautiful and well worth the side trip. well i guess i'll leave off here. we just have 1 more week till we get back to reality and the boring everyday stuff. booo hooo.. but there is lots to look forward to for us... we have positano, rome and paris up ahead!

a little help here, i think it's leaning over a little too much!

the leaning tower of pisa

no way... i think it's leaning!

take care!
ciao!

barcelona is beautiful

2005-09-03T00:54:00.000-04:00

hi everyone!

we're in barcelona today... we landed in girona spain yesterday morning... it was cool the ryanair planes are so small that the bridge from the plane to the airports are too high... so we have to get off the plane and walk on the tarmac! we grabbed a coach bus to barcelona and were simply overwhelmed... we had a moment of feeling in over our heads since there was such a language barrier... the information booths were a little help but no where as helpful as the london ones... it was a reality check! haha

we tried calling the hostel but the phone ate our coins so there we were... completely lost as to how we're gonna find a place to spend the night. we decided to try our luck at this one hostel on "les ramblas" a really popular street in barcelona... wouldn't you know it we got the last room! its on the 3rd floor with a crescent shaped balcony overlooking the street! it's beautiful! barcelona is hot hot hot! so far we've been walking around the many many many small streets with shops. we found one street selling the coolest necklaces and accessories so i've picked up 2 things already!

today we went to the pisasso museum and got pooed on. only 3 euros with student card! it was cool... the museum is actually a renovation of about 5 buildings side by side each built in the medieval times. we'regonna catch a bus tour after this. tomorrow will be our last day in the city.... we're going to be using our eurail passes to go to nice tomorrow.

ok let's talk about the poo story... you didn't think i'd just brush by that little bit of information did you? haha ok so we were walking around the arc de triomf south through the parc de la ciutadella and by the zoo... this lady tapps us on the shoulder and tells us "dirty" and were like huh? and then i see the back of apryl's shirt and pants... there is this brown liquid poo dripping off of her.. ahhhhh so i try to clean it off and apryl is bent over laughing her head off cuz i have it on my back too and don't even know it! i think some monkey with a diarria problem pooed on us as we walked under a tree... apryl thinks it's some kinda bird that did it... well anyways... we got pooed on in barcelona! hahaha

charlene

catalunya is this central plazza in barcelona. les ramblas is just one of the streets that end in this circle
arc de triomf... if this doesn't scream i'm in spain and i'm loving it..i dunno what will
we went to the beach... look how great this sand is... i'm so relaxed
this is the very spot we discovered we had been pooed on!
this is our awesome room on les ramblas! we really lucked out... there is so much character in a building like this!

in europe safely

2005-09-01T00:53:00.000-04:00

london at night

tower of london

london bridge is NOT falling down

hi everyone!

just wanted to write you a quick up date on apryl and my travels in europe thus far. we landed in gatwick... a rural area just south of london. the flight was good we had pasta for the onflight meal. we caught a coach bus to victoria station in london... where we spoke with a hostel booking agent who arranged our hostel. it's on 71 vincent st... called the wellington... it looks like hogwarths in harry potter... accross from the place is this great big playing field... i'd like to imagine that's where the quidish matches are played! haha

we are walking distance from the Thames, Big Ben, The London Eye, County Hall, Parlimentry buildings, Westminister Abby, Trafalgar Square and Piccadilly Circus... how do i know? cuz that's where we walked to yesterday! we saw a lot! we had my birthday dinner in chinatown.

big ben is really bigger than you think

eye of london... we're next

the eye of london... the neighbouring pod people

look at this view from the london eye

little people below

piccadilly circus

It was a scorcher of a day yesterday! we were sooo surprised at how hot and sunny it was... like toronto during the heat wave! today (sept 1) is much better. it's a little cloudier, windier and cooler. we've checked out of the hostel already and plan on taking the tube to liverpool street station and hope that they have lockers there to leave the majority of our bags as we explore that area of london for the day. we'll be catching a flight to barcelona tonight at around 4am (check in, 6am take off)... weeee!

so let me just say.... the british men are cute! well you've got such a range the ones in suits and briefcases walking around the parlimentry buildings are cute.. and then the ones around the touristy spots are cute tooo... hard to tell if they are british until they start speaking haha. we were walking around the london eye... there is this building called the county hall and inside is a saatchi gallery... they have these guys trying to draw people into the gallery to see the exhibit of paintings... so as we were walking by one of them says to apryl "it's your birthday today!" and apryl replies "no it's not but it's her birthday" pointing to me! so we start laughing and talking. His name is chris and his friend's name is birch... they were art students.. anyways... chris tells us a cute joke and this is what i'm gonna leave this email with...

"what did the shy pebble say?"

"i wish i was a little bolder"

saatchi gallery guys... birch me and chris!

love charlene

potluck weekend

2005-08-29T03:02:00.000-04:00

rachelle charlene and sobia ready to go for a post potluck walk... maybe it'll help with digestion!

the 2005 potluck was this past saturday. it could have been pretty disasterous cuz it was an rooftop bbq... and it we experienced scattered showers all evening! haha i guess it was bound to happen eventually... after so many years of beautiful weather at our annual event the odds of having it beautiful yet again just grew slim. hehe. we were pretty fortunate.. while the bbqing was happening, the rain let up.. but once the cooking was done it started up again so we moved to the sheltered area of the rooftop and stayed dry. there was no lack of food! which was what i was scared of... however, the people that brought drinks were late so there wasn't anything to drink for a good portion of the night! i guess i'll handle drinks too next time! lesson learned!

i'm glad that everyone did mingle a little and got to catch up with eachother... i saw apryl taking about europe with winnie and joegina... i saw sobia and janice chatting with the gcmers.... i saw lots of smiling faces... and that's what i hoped for.

sobia d cheryl and apryl catching up with eachother

the ryerson crew

it was so funny... i think just about everyone bought the food instead of made it themselves... esther, jen, me and eric were the only cooks! haha i thought that d had made the spicy shrimp for most of the night and then janice asked him for the recipe and he finally fessed up that it was for the great wall of china chinese buffet! hahaha hey it was really good so no complaints! i'm glad he brought them cuz i just couldn't stop eating them! and eric shared his recipe for soya chicken... it really tastes like my mom's cooking!

i think the best part of this year's potluck was when rachelle and sobia stayed over and we ended up talking till 6:30am... it was just one of the best conversations i've had in the longest time! i felt that we really let so many of the guards down and showed eachother how we honestly felt about eachother... there was just so much love and honesty in our friendship! i didn't expect the night to be like that but it just made it so special... cuz once university ended... i think part of me wondered if i'd be able to have such deep conversations with friends anymore... people get busy... drift.. and things just aren't the same after... but to know that i can still really connect with friends like that... even when we don't get to see eachother as often anymore... it was so good to experience.

i learned something about myself... because i think that most of us know who we are but don't know what others believe about who we are. some people spend a lot of effort hidding or changing the perseption of who they are because they want to let others think that everything is ok... maybe that way others won't question or inquire and that way our secrets stay hidden. so what is this thing that i did learn about myself... i learned that who i think i am is very much the same person as who others precieve i am... i learned i am an open book and i like it. i don't really have a single personal secret that only i know... of course i don't think there is one person that knows everything about me... but if you take all the people that have played any significance in my life and make them write down every thing they know about me, every memory or discussion we've ever shared... and somewhere in the combination of those pages, is all of me.

joshua bartholomew

2005-08-20T02:36:00.000-04:00

i went to reilly's with my friend to check out the joshua bartholomew show today. i was really excited cuz i just love his stuff... the words stick in my head and never ever leave... for a few nights now i've actually had his song "Excuses" in my head as i try to sleep... the chorus just keeps looping and looping! haha. i think he's that good.

there were a few artist that night and joshua was up 3rd or 4th. i personally think he was not only the best up there tonight but without a doubt has the best songwriting skills... his sound deffinately stood out and above everyone else.

i just can't believe this guy doesn't have a record deal already! it's almost frustrating cuz there are so many people out there wtih record deals and all they produce is mediocure in comparison! i've never known an artist that i've wanted to succeed more than him... but that may be because he's the first artist that i've known with such great talent that hasn't made it huge yet... i guess he's relatively new on the scene right?

you know how so many artists say... "i'm so thankful that i've been able to share my god given gift with the world" i hear that line all the time... and instantly think... wow... they sound pompus! but for this kid... that's exactly how it is except without the bravado... he's simply too good to be kept a secret.... i want the world to hurry up and listen to joshua bartholomew.

so random!

2005-08-18T05:15:00.000-04:00

today was really fun! my friend's a canadian idol fan and she got us 4 tickets to the results show... balcony seats. we were all excited to go even though the rest of us didn't really know who's left in the competition but it would be a fun experience none the less... and it would deffinately a first for all of us. so we are getting past security and heading down into the lobby of the john basset theather when this woman asks us how many of us were together and then tells us to wait at the bottom of the escalator. so she meets up with us and says do you have tickets? and we show her our balcony tickets and she says... i'll take these from you...
because i'll be moving you up to the floor...
front row...
right behind the judges!

AHHH!

so the four of us look at eachother because we all realize... ahhhhh we are gonna be making our primetime network debut!!! we are gonna be on TV!! ahhhh!

haha it was so funny! it was so random! so they escort us to the front row all the while telling us the "rules"... don't chew your gum, don't look at the side screens cuz on camera it looks like you are looking away in space, be really enthusiastic and all that kinda stuff. then she looks at us... and decides where to place us ...anita is closest to the middle.. i'm to her left, alexis is to my left and kate is to alexis' left. i'm sitting right behind sass and zac! so with a few minutes before going to air we all whip out our cellphones and start calling our parents and friends to tell them to watch the show... hahaha i tried and tried but never got through to my parents or to steve. but i did get through to apryl's mom who did relay the message and apryl did watch the show! :O) yay

the judges were so close... about 1 meter in front of us... zac had his little son (around 6-8 yr) oh his lap and was spinning around on the chair. there were so many cute little kids with pieces of paper asking them for their autographs... i found zac and sass to be kinda obsessed about how they look... anytime the camera wasn't on her, sass had a makeup artist fixing her face... and did you know that behind the judges podium, zac has a sparkely hot pink mirror by his feet... which he whips out in commercial breaks to check on his hair!!! i kid you not! farley fex and jay seemed super nice... they didn't bother with the pampering once they were around the audience... they were busy signing and meeting the little fans. the host, ben, only talked to his row of friends... especially this young thin blond girl (probably his girlfriend) every time there was a commercial break and didn't really interact with the crowd very much.

and you would be surprised how small the theater really is... it seems so much larger on television but yeah... the stage and the auditorium seating area is really tiny... i'd say about 35% smaller than it appears on tv.... i think i found the most joy in actually seeing the camera men... the way they have to run across the stage to get that sweaping/panning shot they always use... and they have this grip guy holding a huge ring of wire cables swooping along right behind him! haha it's deffinately a team effort... i also really liked how close the canadian idols actually get to the camera when they do that in your face shot... it's literally in their faces! haha anyways, the idols actually sound better in the theater than they do on tv... they were pretty good live!.. and there really is a lot of love in that cast and crew... after the show ended or that commercial break between announcing the bottom two and who's going home the idols would huddle and try to comfort suzi and josh... you can see that they've gotten pretty tight during the competition. i was nice.

after the show we went out to dinner at jack asstor's and wouldn't you know it... the three remaining female idols showed up with there entourage of parents, family and friends. so kate and i got the top 10 collector cards that they give out to the audience at the show signed by them hahaha. i took the suzi rawn card cuz we have the exact same birthday! yay for virgos! they were pretty nice about it even though we were bothering them during their dinner.

in any case it, was funny how our luck went that night... first getting moved to front row and then them going to the same restaurant as us.

camping and the cellphone

2005-08-15T03:52:00.000-04:00

the lookout point on the hiking trail

so this weekend i went back up to my parent's place north of toronto to cuz we planned to go camping with family friends at killbear.

since i was staying at my parents, i could have access to a car... so on friday i went to see my friend's hairstylist... she works out of her home so i needed cash to pay her... i stopped by the mall close to her house and they didn't have my bank there... so i stopped into shoppers and got a grapefruit juice so that i could get some cashback... what's the reason for all this backstory?... cuz the grapefruit juice killed my cellphone. basicly my phone drowned in my purse... it died... and won't ever live again. *tear* they need to make a cell phone will little arms so that i can climb for higher ground... climp little cellphone... climb to safety!!!... or maybe for something even more far fetched... make a waterproof cellphone!

so today i went to the fido store in my mall and got a replacement... $200... and that killed wallet! it has 200 little bullet wounds in it now... but anyways my phonebook is gone and needs updating so please email/message me your numbers! i'm also very sad about my lost cellphone photos... i had great ones with my friends from university that moved back to vancouver... and this picture of my ex when we were still together... and this picture of cary brothers and aqualung when i went to see them in concert... *tear*

another thing that killed my wallet are my new contacts... i went into get my fitting with the trial pair today... why do i have to be so blind? and why do i have to have an astigmatism? anyways my contacts turn out to be $240... ouch!
i'm not high maintanence but today i sure to feel that way! haha

anyways back to my camping trip at killbear...

a curl of birch bark along the hiking trail

the weather was really great.. i heard it rained in toronto but we were north of that system i guess cuz it was just beautiful all weekend... cool breeze and warm sunshine... just the way i like it. it was so restful and relaxing... we had lunch at the beach then went for a nice little hike and then came back to the site and had some dinner...i put my headphones on and sat outside looking at the trees swaying above me... and i just drifted to sleep... it was so peaceful and the air smelled so clean. and that was basicly my whole weekend... just sitting with my headphones on surrounded by nature and blanketed with perfect weather... kinda like i was in my own little world.

in my own little world

taste o'danny

2005-08-08T03:56:00.000-04:00

ohhh my good god!

taste of the danforth was crazy!!!!! i invited a tonne of people to come with me this year and lots of them actually showed up so it was just crazy impossible to keep everyone together in such a crowd. we went on saturday! haha not very smart! so we all said ok take one hour to find your food and meet back here at 8:00.... and that worked out pretty well.... i had gyro on a pita... and spilled all over my white tank top! i'm a pro star! haha so after that i was trying to clean up my mess and the guy i was with kept teasing me about how self conscious i am. haha anyways, the gyro was soo good! and then we went to baskin robins and got waffle cones... only to later find out that demetres was selling their waffle cones for half what i paid! haha i felt jipped! haha. we we pretty much ate and left cuz the crowd was too much... we headed over to madison's after and stayed there till around 2am... that was really fun!

i went back to the danforth on sunday with my parents! it was sooo much more manageable that day so i got my chicken souvlaki on a stick and my honeyballs! so in short... i was very satisfied by this years taste of the danforth. :O) i got to try all the things i wanted and got to hang out with my friends and parents in the end.

Ciao Canada

2005-08-06T01:01:00.000-04:00

well i'm going to europe!

apryl and i bought our tickets to london today! with taxes included it came out to $683.55. we are flying with world of vacations air transat leaving toronto on august 30th and landing in london on my birthday august 31st! so i'll be spending my 23rd brithday in one of the most highly anticipated locations of my life. i've wanted to go to london ever since i fell in love with the british accent and hugh grant! haha. i love british men! they are so witty! :O) i'll be comeing home on the 18th of september so all in all, i'll be gone for 20 days.

from london we are planning on going to barcelona then venice, rome, positano, and paris before going back to london. we are hoping to get a select eurail youthpass so that we can be free to travel from spain to france to italy and then within italy itself. if there was time, i would have loved to go to bari, italy and taken a ferry over to corfu, greece... but alas that will have to wait till my next trip to beautiful europe. i know that one day i'll make it to the cyclades islands and especially santorini...i'll make it happen!

we were screaming for joy when we looked at eachother and realized that it was finally happening! we're going to EUROPE!!! at long long long last!

i'm over the moon right now :O)

crazy caribana

2005-08-02T02:16:00.000-04:00

caribana weekend was crazy! and it mostly was due to heather! i've known heather since we were in grade 6... we went to the same highschool and every winter we throw a christmas party together... so we are still in touch! heather is the kinda girl that craves drama... and a certain drama in particular... BOY DRAMA! and it gets her in situations that often requires her friends to help her to bail her out. she's deffinatly high maintanence and oddly enough seems to ask of her friends what she can't even ask of her parents. for heather... family is the last place to look for help and i guess for most of us... that's a hard thing to understand. i guess i should be thankful for not being able to understand her because i love that i can always go to my family for help, support and love.

never the less, heather is a lot of fun to have around and you can see that despite the tunnel vision she has transfixed on a mirror reflecting her face, she's a sweet person and i'll always care for her... or as in the case of this weekend... i'll take care of her.

the caribana parade was pretty fun. we kinda danced beside the bands that played the better music for a few minutes before moving on to another band. we had some jerk chicken and rice... walked around... took pictures of the floats, costumes and of course ourselves dancing along with everyone else. i'm glad we all had fun. heather and her friend denise decided to pay $40 to go to joker later that night! deffinatly not worth it in my books so i stayed home.. which was a good thing cuz i went out clubbing the night before with other friends. when denise and heather were walking back to my loft after clubbing, they couldn't get back cuz the police had taped off dundas square... some dude was shot and later died... i think that if they were around that area just 20 minutes earlier, they would have been around to see the whole thing happen... so after much detouring on their parts (in very uncomfortable shoes) they got back around 6:00am... which i guess isn't so shocking cuz heather got back to my place around 5:30am the night before. haha well caribana weekend only happens once a year so sleeping is optional. haha

blackout

2005-07-28T02:02:00.000-04:00

so my loft was hit by that blackout covering gerrard to lakeshore and church to don valley. the power just came back on at around 5:30 am today... so let's see it was out for aprox. 21 hours! i survived but the cold can of chef-boy-ardee didn't... it's surprising how it tastes the same cold as it does hot... unlike french fries, lettuce or chicken which really taste different according to its temperature! so what could i do without my radio, tv, or computer??? well naturally i went to the mall and shopped... pretty good excuse i'd say! some decent sales out there right now... jacob and rw&co are really worth checking out fellow shoppaholics. i also bought a lighter from the esso by my place cuz i'd be needing to light some candles when i got home... but that wouldn't be till after the movie...

i went to the outdoor movie at dundas square... the sound of music was playing. it was kinda magical... everyone out there enjoying the night air... a few spectators dancing... and a few more singing (me and my friends included! hehe). it was a treat! you know that song "i am sixteen going on seventeen"... listen to the lyrics... they are kinda out of date with current social views i'd say! haha "i need someone older and wiser telling me what to do"..."you belong TO me"... it's all very posessive! hahaha! anyways, they were a reflection of the times back then... when even 16 year old girls named Lisel were innocent. and another thing i noticed... i used to think that the baroness was a horrible woman but for some reason when i watched it this time... i understood her... why she did what she did... and realized she wasn't so horrible after all... she was looking for love in a circumstance that turned impossible, i mean look at her competition... MARIA, the picture of perfection! who can top perfection?

so yeah... i had some fun with my candles and tea lights when i got home... i didn't know how to use the lighter though... it hurt my thumb :O( my brother got it working on the first try! pyro!

so it was kinda pretty in my loft last night with all the candles... i wish i had someone besides my brother (or other blood relatives) to share it with hahaha.

the jazz fest weekend

2005-07-25T03:51:00.000-04:00

i had a fun weekend. getting out of the house and doing things with friends really lifts my spirits. winnie, jenny and i went to see war of the worlds up by eglington on friday. wow the special fx are really seamless in this one! the whole time as i was watching i was thinking " ohhh no... ohh crap.... ohh sh*t...ooooohhhhh SH*T... SH*T SH*T SH*T SH*T!" hahaha it was a fun time.

on saturday apryl, cheryl and dee came over and we showed cheryl and dee queen st before meeting rachelle at starbucks for some girl talk... we ended up going to sephora to play with make up too hehe. wow that's a fun place... better than a candy store!!! so the three of us were those customers you hate... trying all the samples and wasting time in the store with no intention of actually buying anything. i got to do rachelle and apryl's eye makeup and that was really fun... it would be fun to be a makeup artist.

we went over to the beaches area and walked around looking for a decent restaurant and we came upon whitlock's restaurant. the menu was posted on the outside... we all agreed.. "hey this place is doable" so we lined up and got this amazing table by the front window of the restaurant... the windows were open too so the view was great and it was deffinatly entertaining to see the people from the festival all along the street. as we waited for our other friends to get to the restaurant we had appetizers and drinks and could hear the bands tuning up. we looked at the "FESTIVE MENU" which was all they were serving and the prices were at least twice what was posted outside... what a sneaky thing to do... so if no one's treating you.. treat yourself right?!?! haha

rachelle ran into her boyfriend's cousin nick and he ended up staying with us the whole time. and apryl saw her best friend ashley with her boyfriend walking on the street as we sat in the restaurant so we yelled out the window and apryl got to say hi.. that was cool.

so we walked along queen st E and listened to the performers... as the night wore on it got busier and busier. rachelle told me about this prodigy jazz player that would be here this year so wouldn't you know it as we were walking i heard this really great sax-a-ma-phone... as we got closer i couldn't see who it was... darn tall people... but eventually with some wiggling i got a glimps... it was the kid! and he was not what i had imagined at all.. he was actuallly not your stereotypical band geek or some off-kilter jazz kat... he was a cool normal teenager with board shorts and surfer shaggy blond hair. so me and all my friends started joking around about how set he is with the ladies when he grows up! haha. heck he must be beating them off with a stick now! we were all joking around like "ohh don't you wish you were 14 years old right now?" hahaha

as we walked back west toward the beginning of the festival there was this band from montreal that had the most electric sound and they drew a really huge crowd. they had a harp, drums, electric violin, and a few other instruments. they weren't jazz but they were something else very good. and that was the spot of total gridlock! it was just bodies against bodies of people trying to get from one side of the band to the other side of the band. we made it through without incident and found an ice cream parlor. i got a double scoop waffle cone... it was dee-lish!

nick had stoped to look at a cigar shop and the rest of us waited on the street outside with our ice cream and we saw some firemen collecting change for a chairity supporting child burn victims... joegina and i girlishly asked if we could take a picture with them and they were so nice about it... they were having fun tonight... you could tell cuz they were constantly being attacked by women and girls!... the smile never left their faces! haha we found a trio of pretty darn cute ones... what is it about guys in uniform.. the firemen one especially makes them seem instantly more heroic! ha!

the street car ride back to the subway was the funniest part of the night cuz rachelle forgot to get a transfer when she got on! we were in the very back of the second car and the vehicle was packed!!! the poor girl and to walk all the way to the front and all the way back to get her transfer. while she was gone winnie had to hold her camomile and honey tea and i was holding her peacock feather. as rachelle was gone all winnie could do was smell how awesome the tea was and she's not one for impulse control when it comes to yummies. so nick was egging her on to take a sip... and she did! a few actually! and we were all like looking at her in shock and laughter cuz she was so cute! when rachelle got back, as soon as she waved her transfer in front of us nick snatched a portion and ripped off the important part showing the time it's valid! we laughed so hard we couldn't breath. and we were like you have to go back and get another one! and then for some reason we started trying to talk in jamaican accents... i've already forgoten what we were talking about but then winnie said "punani" in a caribbean accent and that was it... the i-can't-breath laughter started again.

there must have been something besides honey in that tea... or perhaps our ice cream was laced? haha what a fun weekend!

the button

2005-07-21T04:10:00.000-04:00

well i'm blogging cuz my far away friend requested that i do... so here ya go buddy.

i've not been busy for awhile now so i've had lots of time to think about things and one thing i realized is that i'm on occation not mentally balanced! hahaha. i've done some really weird stuff when it comes to matters of the heart or just emotional things.... for one thing i think i have abandonment issues... well i dunno if that's really what you call it but this is basicly what i feel... i feel... forgoten. and i hate feeling that... for example when my parents are late to meet me i feel like they are late because they forgot about me... and this seems to only be with my parents cuz if my friends were late i don't read anything into it... but for some reason when it's my parents i feel like... it's a sign that i'm meaningless to them.. that i don't matter and that i'm insignificant... and at first i feel angry for like 1 minute but that quickly changes to utter sadness. i dunno why i hold this high standard for my parents... like i want them to be there right when i want them... classic example.. when i used to have piano lessons and i'd wait outside for them to pick me up after... if they were more than 20 minutes late i'd be in a state of tears by the time the did come... i'd work myself into such a frenzy convincing myself that they forgot about me, that they didn't even love me at all and i'd just fall into such loneliness... hence the tears. i seem to constantly need reassurence that my parents love me and want me. why do i need to feel wanted so badly? i'm reminded of this fight i had with my mom about 2 years ago when in anger she said to me "just leave, i don't want you" or something to that affect and that was the most painful thing i've ever been through... i think she could have said many horrible things to me cuz i deserved to hear them but nothing would have hit my emotional core as intensely as words saying that i was unwanted.

so i think this "unwanted" things is deffinatly one of my buttons... i think it could infact be "the button"! so when it is pushed i basicly fall apart. and i think an off-shoot of this "being wanted" issue is why i do so poorly after breakups with boyfriends. i've had 2 breakups in my life and both times i've done something reactionary that i now regret.... in the case of pat... i was at his friend's blog... she had written a poem for him expressing her love for him and that's how i found out that they were together... i mean of course it was none of my business who he's dating now but at that moment i was sad cuz we had drifted so far from eachother while he had drifted so much closer to his "friend"... who now was his girlfriend. i was jealous that he had found real love when i was no closer to finding it for myself... it seriously wasn't even that i wanted him back for myself but i guess i wanted love back in my life like it was back in his life. it so obvious to me that she could love and relate to him on a level i couldn't ever with him... they were from the same scene... so i guess their falling in love just made so much more sense than we ever did... so if part of me is happy that he found love and i'm over him and don't want him for myself why was i so bummed by his moving on? i think it was cuz i felt unwanted yet again.

in the case of ottawa boy yet again i was being played by him and i think the situation ultimately left me feeling unwanted. so i reacted by abandonning him first... and in turn ruined any chance of being his friend. i can see in hindsight that he was selfish with the way he treated me and a romantic reationship wouldn't have worked out in the long run so i have come to terms with that but now i've lost what could have still been a pretty cool friendship... and for burning that bridge i'm pretty bummed.

so yeah.. that's what i've learned about myself... i need to think more rationally instead of reacting emotionally cuz i could drive everyone that matters to me away... and i'd really end up alone and unwated instead of just imagining it. and recently i've gotten the chance to be rational instead of emotional when i felt forgotten. my friends were gonna have a bbq at their building so i went to the patio and no one was there so i called them and it turned out that it was cancelled but no one thought to inform me so i had made the effort to be there. well i was pissed of course but i have to learn that the people you let closer to you can hurt you much harder... so i've got to stop trusting people so unquestionably... cuz everyone will make mistakes... dissapointment is inevitable even if it is unintentional. i really hope that i develope a tougher skin cuz i really want to be able to stand on my own two feet and be happy.

kicked in the shins

2005-06-16T06:52:00.000-04:00

so yeah... i was walking home from chinatown today and there was this old man carying a bag of chinese groceries... he was pretty old so i was passing him but accidentally hit his bag of groceries. before i can even say sorry he turns around and kicks me in the shins and tells me to F*CK OFF... i screamed cuz it hurt and i was just so shocked as i walked away from him... my friend swore back at him cuz i just didn't do anything... as i was walking away from what just happened all these scenarios were flashing in my head of how else i could have handled the situation... it was like i was in an action movie in my head... i imagined hitting him with my purse... B*tch slaping him... pushing him over so he'd drop his groceries... swearing back at him... telling him to go to hell, but then i figured he probably wasn't christian and didn't even think there was a hell so i'd have to tell him something like your ancestors are disgraced by his actions...hahaha! i dunno what else i could have but react the way i did cuz i know if i did react violently i'd be such a loser! who beats up on a senile oldman? and haha i'd feel pretty guilty about it too. but anyways... it was strange cuz now i find myself wondering what kinda life he must have had to reacted with violence like he did. what would you have done if you were kicked in the shins by an old man?

Layers

2005-05-16T05:50:00.000-04:00

i think that a person has to pass through layers to get to know the real me. on the surface people find me shy, but dig a little deeper and you'll see that i'm this excitable fun girl... and that's where people usually stop digging. but then there is another layer below that is really just a sweet girl that trusts people just a little too easily and perhaps undeservingly. i guess the problem is that once people are through with having fun with this fun girl, it's the sweet girl that feels used.

Patience

2005-01-24T23:52:00.000-05:00

so yeah i guess i'll blog about the love/social life since i think that's what people usually want to know about... who really cares if i had a big extra mcdeal sandwich for lunch today?... that's right... no one! what have i been up to? well i've been to the movies a lot! i went out with my highschool friends to see spanglish right before christmas break was over.

i went out with ottawa boy (who is now back at waterloo so he's not in ottawa anymore) on a saturday... we had dinner and afterwards went to see closer. then we walked back to my place so that he could warm up... it was so cold that night. but yeah we were talking about our weird little relationship... i think we are still testing what the boundries are on where we stand and what we mean to eachother. he's said to me before in our chatts that he's not the type to cheat on his girl. and when he went clubbing in ottawa once he said don't worry i wont cheat on you. but this time asks me if i think he would cheat on me... and then all i can think is if he did see someone else, would it really be cheating? because wouldn't you have to feel some level of commitment to me if you were to technically "cheat" on me? so what did i say to him? i said i expect guys to cheat on girls because they aren't commited because guys have done it before... not neccessarily him tho... and as i was saying this and rambling on and on i was thinking... what are you saying to him.. why are you saying this... i was failing to express waht i really ment. so it bugged me all week that maybe i insulted him... maybe he got a different meaning of what i said that night than what i intended to say. so i wrote him a message blabbering on again and i thought i scared him because i had obviously been thinking about it way too much and he's always telling me not to over analyze our relationship. sometimes i don't think i'm special to him but then i question is that me thinking i'm not speical to him or is it really that i'm just not that special to him? i think about this too much. i wonder what part of me wants to just label this relationship and why this label is so important to me.. it changes nothing about how we act with eachother but somehow defining it makes it "better". so i started to vocalize this feeling that he's not into me any more and that i had a feeling that that was the last time he's ever gonna come see me or talk to me or think of me. but then i talked to my guy friend and he said that maybe i'm just being impatient... and then i had this new thought... maybe this is how it is supposed to be... i mean since my other relationship was such a wirlwind, maybe this is the pace that most relationships travel at... maybe this is a time of interest without commitment that i i'm just not used to.

on tuesday i went to see my friend jenny up north. we went to see in good company... so this was my 3rd movie in janurary! crazy! i mean i use to go to the movies maybe 3 times a year and here i was watching 3 movies in 1 month! i felt really guilty for having so much fun and spending on entertainment... i grew up living very cheaply! haha well i think i emotionally connected with "spanglish" the most but enjoyed "in good company" the most... it is a thouroughly entertaining movie! it had a great balance of humour and drama. and closer was really smart movie.. i felt so much more grown up following the complexities of their relationships... it like a realist film with huge hollywood actors. and it made me wish i could be natalie portman even more! seriously, if i could trade lives with anyone living today it would be her!

on the weekend i went over to jen's place for a sleep over with winnie and janice. we went grad dress shopping and jen got a really awesome dress! she is gonna be dazzling come this april! we went to dinner and went back to her place for movies (troy and when harry met sally) dessert and goofing around. we had this 20 minute laughing fit when we flipped through jen's photo album. the 4 of us had done this sleep over thing at the end of 1st year and here we were again doing it in our last year together in gcm. it was a full circle moment if i don't say so myself! when we did the sleep over in first year we watched bring it on and got super hyper and did cheer leader poses for jen's camera... and so we did the cheerleader poses again and laughed till we were all red from lack of oxygen! man i love being silly with my friends! there is so much to look forward to this year and i just know i'm gonna have too much fun at graduation.

esther!!

2005-01-12T02:22:00.000-05:00

christmas2004-04,
originally uploaded by gyllenhaalic.

well this is so cool. my friend esther and i have known eachother since we were 6 years old. i used to go over to her place all the time and play with her and her sisters. she has 3 sisters! well before christmas she desided to take a continuing ed hr class at ryerson so that meant that she would be here every tuesday this winter term! she already graduated from u of t last year and is working full time already and paying back her osap. this girl is on the ball! :O)

i'm so glad to be able to spend time with her again... i just think she is so amazing... she is so adventurous, carefree, positive, confident and fun. she is the life of every conversation and just makes me smile! i just know that spending more time with her will do me good. she'll reminde me that life after school is pretty must the best time of your life. you are presented with countless opportunities, freedom, choices, decisions... pretty cool way to look at it... and it's a time with limited baggage and responsibility. like if you want to make a career change, that's the time to do it... figure out what kinda work makes ya happy. i just gotta believe in myself, accept help when needed and stop being scared... be courageous! oooo hoo!

lots of stuff is happening for school too. only 3 more months of classes and we have so much to do before graduation. i'm on the formal comittee so i can't wait for that to happen. i have my grad picture photoshoot this thursday, i'm skiing with ryesac on friday, having dinner with andrei on saturday and have a project due monday... hmmm i'm busy... i should get to work!

apryl's flowers

2004-12-25T21:59:00.000-05:00

apryl's flowers,
originally uploaded by gyllenhaalic.

i'm testing this flickr feature that lets me post my pictures from flickr onto my blog straight from flickr... i you see this that means it works... isn't it sad that i'm doing this on christmas... i should be spending "quality" time with my family right??? well my parent's are watching tv and i don't feel like watching... i'll just spend some quality time with my MAC :O)

my christmas dinner!

2004-12-24T20:10:00.000-05:00

ahhh i can't believe i drove last night... i mean after two days of snow and freezing rain you'd think nobody would be dumb enough to be out last night... nobody but me of course.. i had places to go... beautiful people to see! haha and i had to be there for them to see me! it was my annual christmas dinner last night and although some didn't make it a lot of people did! and it was so great to see them... and it's so great to see their commitment to our friendship! we went to moxie's and it was so fun!... everyone was laughing and talking and sharing how things have been since summer and ahhhh i just love my friends so much... and they are just so thoughtful it brings tears to my eyes how much we all really love eachother! my friends are some of the most selfless and thoughtful people! ohh i'm so fortunate! i'd have to say that the best part of the night was when we were all taking pictures... i can't wait for everyone to send me a copy! everyone was so beautiful last night! i mean... everyone's hair was so beautiful
and my friend esther was wearing the most exquisit pair of trousers! sooooooooooo nice... her wonderful boyfriend bought them for her! haha. i think i was most touched by my friend sobia's "surprise" she and my really old friend found out a few weeks ago that they both knew me... and it was sobia's surprise to invite my old friend that i've kinda lost touch with to the dinner too but of course the weather was a complete mess so my old friend couldn't come. but just the thought of surprising me like that touched me beyond words... it was so amazing of her! you never really think that the cliche means anything until something like this happens to you and you realize... that thinking of something so wonderful as that is really at the heart of the gift!... it really is the thought that counts!

earlier that evening my friend apryl came over to do some europe trip planning... and she again amazed me with her thoughtfulness... i love apryl! she got me a charm watch/braclet and then wrote me a letter explaining why she chose each charm! i was brought to tears as is read the letter! i just love her so much! and it's really friends like apryl that you never ever forget and never lose touch with cuz they are so priceless!

i have the best friends in the world!

gums and gifts

2004-12-22T02:36:00.000-05:00

i had my dentist appointment today while i was home for the holidays... i got to drive the car! yipee... haha it's been a while since i've had to use my licence for driving... i mean i use my licence all the time... to get into clubs! haha but yeah i'm your typical "female" driver haha let's just say there was a close call with a big truck! haha anyhoo my dentist appointment didn't go well... no cavities or anything like that but i'm not a flosser so my gums are in rough shape :O( too bad, so sad! so it was a painful experience... she went at my gums with the sharp scaler... the automatic one at first (the one with the drilling noise... shudder!) and then the manual one after that! so now my gums are super sore from all the aggitation. i got a sucabrush and think this is the last straw... i must make my gums better... i must make this part of my hygiene routine!

now on to the gifts part of my day... i spent too much today on gifts but the sad part is that the most expensive gift i bought today was for me! hehe opps! :O| i got hugo for women perfume! i've loved it since highschool and decided that i've been waiting long enough... if i want it i should just get it cuz i'll use it to the last drop! so now i smell pretty and it will be one of my signature scents! :O) i also finished my shopping for my ottawa boy :O) i think i did pretty good cuz i got him something that i know he wants plus i got a good deal on something i think we can enjoy together. hehe massage oil! haha what... he wanted a massage! anyways... should be fun! *wink*

now... if only i knew how to give a good massage... hmmm

home for the holidays

2004-12-20T15:01:00.000-05:00

i think that it has been about a month since i last blogged... i guess i was going through some things that i didn't feel comfortable airing for anyone to see... and i felt that i wasn't ready to be honest to myself i guess. i'm still not cool with dicussing so i'll just talk about other stuff... what kinda stuff you ask??? ohhh festive stuff! :O) my annual christmas party is going to happen this week! i'm so excited about seeing all my highschool friends again! and i'm gonna actually plan my trip to europe during the christmas break! i wanna go to london, paris, madrid, rome, venice... and if i just get to go to those cities i don't really care where else in europe i go... i've been thinking about this trip since i was in grade 10... so that is 15 years old? i can't believe that it's actually gonna happen... finally! wheee!i've done the whole flying thing by myself before so i'm not so worried about that... i guess my aprehension is in not makeing my transit connections or having troubles crossing the boarders or actually i'm really worried about accomidations... and then i'm thinking about my camera... i'll have to get an european adaptor for my battery charger... and how do i make sure i have enough storage for my pictures... hmmmm i should get that ipod! haha

my weekend

2004-11-21T23:44:00.000-05:00

hello blog readers :O)
nice of ya to visit!
on friday i secured a renter for our parking spot. we'll be getting $150 a month for it :O) and the lady that is renting it from us is a cirminal lawyer for the government! pretty cool eh? she asked me what i was learning and i told her about GCM and she was saying that's pretty good cuz it's so hard finding a job as a lawyer and it's so true... i'd totally be more stressed out about the future and paying the bills had i gone into graphic design... i'd be like the 10,000 other design grads in canada instead of one of the 70 GCM grads! last weekend i went to a friend's going away party and got the chance to talk to some new people there... one of them is in graphic design and she said something that kinda struck me... she said that she feels sorry for the guys in her program cuz men have to be the breadwinner and it's gonna be seriously hard for them to do that as a graphic designer... and the comment struck me cuz i didn't even think that way... i never made my university choice cuz i thought i'd find a man to support me once i entered the working world... i always thought i'd just do well and make my own money.... which brings me to another random but related thought... on the OC, julie got promoted to CEO and kirsten got promoted to CFO and her dad caleb said something along the effect of, "everyone knows that the one controlling the money is the one controlling the company." i kinda like the idea of controlling my own life thanks. even now, i have a lot of freedom cuz of where i live but also i'm very much so being supported by my parents so i'm not really the independent woman that i may look like... i can't go to ottawa and visit my ottawa guy cuz i'm worried of what my parents will think... i still feel like i have to ask for their approval... i'm also very much controlled by my friend's expectations of me... they think i'm one way and that i do things their way. i guess at one point in my life i did think the same way but my actions have reveiled to myslef that i'm not exactly like that anymore and sometimes i wish i still was.

on saturday i went clubbing with jen, winnie and janice cuz it was jen's sister's 20th birthday! we went to inside... i liked the music the whole night! they have really good dj's and a good ventilation system in the 1st and 3rd floors so you didn't get too hot in there.... and then at the end of night, they give you a bottle of water on your way out... the only complaint would be the prices of the drinks... i got a teeny tiny glass of coke and it was $3.50!!!! it was like half a can of pop for the price of 3 cans of pop! yikes!... but then you have to offset that with all the good music, great mixed crowd, and the free bottle of water hehe. we danced from 11:00 till 2:00 non-stop!!! and the guys weren't grabby at all, which i loved! admission is $20 but we got in for $5 cuz of the guestlist... and the dj was nice and would shoutout birthday wishes and would include the audience in the songs "engine engine number nine... on the new york transit line...." hahaha so old school!

what's the best club that you've ever gone to?

too much cheese

2004-11-19T03:47:00.000-05:00

so yeah my mom bought this block of marble cheese when she came down town last weekend and i've been eating it all week. i love cheese but i'm somewhat lactose intolerant... essentially, feel gassy, burpy, farty and bloated. i just burped... it was little, you probably couldn't hear it. hahaha :O) anywhoo that's basicly how i've been feeling all week... no complaints, i like cheese.

i'm writing this blog right now cuz i have a paper due tomorrow and kinda have writers block. i always have writers block when it comes to school papers... why can't i just write what i think... like free associate... that's so much easier! hahaha maybe i can't write this paper because i can't think about it right now... i can't focus on it cuz i'm so distracted by the Internet and thoughts of the guys in my life... or the guys not in my life that i wish could be more a part of my life.

my ex and i didn't hang on on the weekend. he did call though to explain why he didn't show up to hang out... he forgot that his friend was having a going away party so he went to that... totally understand able. i think i'd be feeling far more conflicted if we did hang out cuz well... we still love eachother. i'm reminded of a john mayer lyric right now...

~All you need is love is a lie cause~
~We had love but we still said goodbye~
~Now we're tired, battered fighters~

so maybe he did a good thing not seeing me on the weekend... time will tell. i told my ottawa boy about my ex and he reacted just as my dream man would... he wasn't jealous at all! i love that about him! i was talking about this exact situation with my friend jenny a month ago when none of this was happening. i was telling her that i'd want a guy that is comfortable enough with himself and trusts me enough to not be jealous about my friendship with my ex. if i say that we are friends and the new man knows me well enough to know that i'm super loyal like a puppy, he should be cool with me seeing my ex... just as i would trust him to see his ex. i mean... i wouldn't want my boyfriend to dictate who i could or couldn't spend my time with. my friend gave me this look as if i was insane to think that this guy existed... well he does and ottawa boy is one of them!

temptation everywhere

2004-11-15T02:33:00.000-05:00

so last week i was beginning to feel like an independant woman again... it was nice... my ex hadn't called me in a long time and my curious friend in ottawa and i were cool cuz we agreed to be just friends. i had finally spent a day not thinking about relationships and boys and the night before had made a promise to be a good christian girl... just say no to the temptation of lust!!! and then what happens??? it's like the devil suddenly says "well lets see just how strong this new promise is..." that week my i have a long chatt with my curious friend and it's almost like he wants me to say that friendship isn't good enough for me and that i insist on a realtionship... and then my ex calls and we have a long talk were i find out that he still loves me and isn't over me (amoung other things)... and then my curious friend from ottawa call today and says he's coming down next weekend to spend time with me to see if there is something between us or was the first time we met just a fluke. now it seems that the boys i like are liking me back and as awesome as that is i dunno if any of it will work out. i don't want to hurt anyone... including me. i dunno how to turn off my feelings for my ex even though all of me wants to move on from him... see i'm just the kinda girl that can't turn her back on someone that has only been good to me.

having a good day

2004-11-10T23:19:00.000-05:00

so yeah i got some marks back from two of my classes today! i got an A+ on a major group assignment and got an A on my psychology midterm... but what was really really uplifting was that i totally aced the essay portion! he gave me A+ for both of my answers!!! now why can't i get that kinda mark on my marketing exams??? so yeah i felt really good... i haven't felt that good about school in a long time cuz i usually don't feel like i earn the grades i get or wish i did more to prepare for the test... but this time it just felt soooo great!!! i was reminded of when i took geography in highschool and used to always put effort into it and get the best mark each time... that rush!!! ahhh i missed it so much! so it's nice to get a little taste of it again... my philosophy midterm mark is coming out this friday so i hope for more good news. i kinda feel rejuvinated about school right now, which is perfect timing because i've got these essays to do now... i hope that i can ride this wave of motivation all the way till the end of this term! fingers crossed!

i also felt really uplifted today in fellowship. alex was leading this portion of the night that really got to me. he was showing pictures of space... and we were all reminded of the awesomeness of God! his majesty, his power, his glory, his greatness... he created the heavens and earth so to think that our galaxy is but one of an infinite number of galaxies... stars... nebulas... planets... thinking about the vastness of it all!!! and then the last slide was a scene from the passion of the christ... and i had not seen this movie so i was genuinly humbled and shocked when i saw the image of jesus on the cross... with the open wounds from the wipping.... God is so great and he lowered himself to die the horrific death on the cross to show us his love... i was almost brought to tears and i just felt so loved undeservedly. so we were reminded that jesus was the sacrificial lamb... and that with jesus as our example, we should sacrifice something... now i don't believe that sacrificing something will show God that you love him or anything like that but i did have the urge to recommit to some of the morals and beliefs that i've been letting slack lately. so i've made a new promise to do my best... to try to reclaim the sacredness of my body... in essessence i'm gonna try to respect myself more and try not to give into my sinful lust. i kinda feel that when i forced myself to grow up this year i also lost some of the good characteristics i liked about me... i took it too far so now i'm taking a step back... to a ground that i my conscience is more comfortable with.

Currently in a good place... i think

2004-11-08T22:23:00.000-05:00

so yeah... i guess i should start with halloween weekend. i met up with this guy from friendster and we really hit it off... we went clubing at joker and there was a costume contest and everything. i didn't dress up but there was this group of 5 that were fred, wilma, barney, betty and dino! DINO was the best cus the eye hole part that the guy could see out of was dino's name tag... so as you can imagin dino was a very very tall dinosaur... and by the end of the night the costume had shifted a little so that it wasn't standing up straight anymore... dino looked like he was in severe need of neck surgery.... looking out over the crowd that night... you'd be able to spot this dino bopping up and down! haha classic!

so yeah that halloween weekend was really fun! but i dunno what's up with me... why do i go for guys that just logisticly don't fit with my life??? i've got myself in a little bit of a dilema... he lives in ottawa cuz of co-op. so how do we get to know eachother unless we spend time together? and this whole not spending time with eachother cuz of not living in the same city was the whole reason why my first relationship didn't work out so why am i even entertaining the idea of a long distance relationship? boys hate long distance relationships! and it's not even like we are that deep into this.... so the prospect of a long distance relationship isn't even within the horizon! all we know is that we are into eachother and curious to learn more about eachother but life.. our physical locations prevent us from that... so that's that ... we can't do anything but be friends... curious friends.

also on that halloween weekend my friend had a house warming dinner party... it's so nice to have good friends, good food and good conversation. we listened to the garden state sound track... talked about people in our program... ohh the scandle... and since there were guys there we talked about relationships and what the guys point of view is.. what's important to a guy when it comes to girls... and they both said something simular... it's about the twinkle in their eyes when they smile! and it kinda hit me then... sure guys look at the whole package but that twinkle.. that is so abstract... it's so subjective... it's so in the eye of the beholder... the twinkle isn't in the girls eye but in the guys eye!!! ya hear what i'm saying?!?!?

so fast forward a week to today when i was chatting to the curious friend from ottawa... the conversation started out as it usually does but suddenly the joking around eased off and we were really bearing our hearts... we were letting ourselves be vulnerable... we were talking about "us". our mutual confussion was so raw cuz our mind, body, and soul were pulling us in different directions... but what was my heart telling me... i usually follow my heart and end up surprising myself... surprises aren't always good either. it was a rollercoaster conversation... i cried a little... i laughed a little.. i was scared through most of it. and at the end of our marathon chat, we actually felt better even tho we were no closer to resolving our situation... but at least now we both know how we feel about eachother. but most of all, i felt reciproscity... he's as confused and infatuated as i am. so the friends thing may not work and the relationship thing may not work but all of that doesn't matter right now cuz it's too early and unconventional to give this thing a label.... except to call it "going with the flow".

confessions of a soul sista!

2004-10-24T23:53:00.000-04:00

that the latest pic of me :O) it was taken yesterday when i went karaoking with some new friends that i met over friendster. on my right is louis and on my left is irene... we are singin' our hearts ok as you can see. photo cred goes to thu! you da man thu! hehe

it was fun... and i discoverd that i'm kind of a mic hog! hehehe ya learn new things about yourself every day huh! i had such a good time cuz everyone sang along even when they didn't have the mic in their hand... i can't wait to do it again and maybe this time with my university friends... jen said that we could have a karaoke party anytime cuz she has the mic with the songs already programed into it... should be a laugh and a half! i've always wanted to be a back up singer but am kinda rooted in reality enough to know that i ain't no singa! haha i think the backup singer's got the best of both worlds cuz you get the thrill of preforming, get to feed off the energy that the crowd must give but also never have to suffer the downfalls of stardom and fame! no paparazzi, no stalkers, no loss of privacy!

anyways getting back to studying for lisi's test... man this material is boring! who wants to learn about data asset management anyways?

procrastination examplified

2004-10-23T02:02:00.000-04:00

so obviously i've got something due this up comming week.. that's why i filled out a survey... to stall the unavoidable!

[spell your name back wards]: enelrahc gnoel

[the story behind your email address]:
jake gyllenhall fan... i went to see him at the toronto
international film festival in 2002 and knew that i was a
gyllenhaalic!

[where do you live?]
toronto canada

[wallet]
tommy hilfiger tan cordaroy with small "back pockets" i also
have the matching hand bag! it's very cute!

[school shoes]
whatever goes with what i'm wearing... i enjoy the shoeage...
shoes are great!

[favourite shirt]
ohh don't ask me! haha i have nothing to wear and no more
space for anymore clothes... you know what i mean?

[piercing(s)]
12 piercings...

kidding! i just have my ears pierced

[hair]
long and layered. with side swept bangs... sometimes i blowdry
with a flat brush and sometimes with a big round brush

[makeup]
it's mostly mac studio tech colour NC25 a little bronzer and
eyeliner

[something you're looking forward to in the
upcoming months]
christmas?

[something that you are deathly afraid of]
the unknown

[do you believe in forgiveness]
yes i do :O)

[where are 3 places you wouldn't mind relocating
to]
venice, paris or...... moscow?haha probably new york

[favorite foods?]
i like my mom's cooking cuz of that special ingredient.... LOVE!
aww so cheesy

[is there something you wish you could understand
better]
computers and technical stuff... i get so bored that i tune most
of it out... but i wish i knew it.

[my father thinks i am]
his daughter but what he doesn't know won't hurt him! haha
ekk bad girl! my dad thinks i'm... noisy

[my mother thinks i am]
i'm a good girl... and i am! :O) tee hee! my mom loves me too
much to see that i'm growing up

[my siblings think i am]
a lazy slob.. he's so perceptive!

[best qualities]
i'm normal!!! i have standards that i really try to live by... i'm a
great friend... i'm easy going and silly/hyper too! i have nice
finger nails to boot! haha

[worst qualities]
procrastinator... lazy... i hate to clean but i love to organize

[i get embarrassed when]
someone complaments me

[what makes me happy]
really connecting with someone

[upsets me]
mean people... they suck! say it with me! "mean people suck!"
haha good job! *pats back*

[you like to cook ]
my cooking all tastes the same! but i can kinda cook! haha but
i'd prefer it if the guy loves to cook... that's hot!

[you have a secret you have not shared with
anyone]
nope... even the most personal thing i can think of right now...
i've shared that with people.

LAST
[song you listened to]
radio is on right now... gwen stefani's new single

[TV show you've watched]
access hollywood

[thing you were thinking about]
my brother's dinner smells really good!... i need to pee.. that
bubble tea went through me!

[u think about suicide]
yeah... just like if i'm walking across the street and i wonder
what i'd be like if i walked in front of the oncoming truck. but it's
just a random thought

[others find you attractive]
cute as a button haha

[you drink]
iced tea

[you like roller coasters]
LOVE THEM!

[you write in cursive or print]
it's print with some cursive letters

[you carry a donor card]
no :O(

[you have a crush on somebody]
i'm always crushing! haha it's fun! but i don't expect anything to
actually happen so it's cool.

[lied to someone]
yeah just to get away from them

[ever been in a fist fight]
no

[ever been arrested]
no

[shampoo do you use]
i don't care as long as they aren't 2-in-1 i need a thick
conditioner cuz my ends are getting dry

[what do you notice first in a guy/girl]
face & stature

[makes you laugh the most]
silliness & wit

[has a crush on you]
oh please! *rolls eyes* wouldn't that be nice! haha

[last time you did something bad]
lips are sealed

[last time you were totally free]
week before school

[whats your favourite colour]
i don't have a fave... each colour is good for something

[What are you planning to do tomorrow]
hang out with friends... karaoke... study... homework

there were more questions but who cares? haha i'm having a weird time right now cuz my ex and i are talking to eachother again... part of me wished that we'd just get back together again because we were so happy but then nothing has really changed since the end of our relationship, our situations have not improved... actually, they've gotten worse i think... but we still want eachother i think. so knowing this... i don't think anything romantic will be happening between us any time soon.. if ever.

you may be thinking... why is she holding on too him still... well i guess you had to be him or me to understand us cuz no one else outside of the two of us would have experienced what we experienced. it was instant... instant trust, comfort, infatuation, understanding, curiosity for eachother, instant appreciation for what we were discovering together. i was thinking about him on thursday cuz i wanted to go see him. his band was playing in toronto but i wasn't sure if i should go so instead i made the mistake of sitting at home thinking of him till 4 am in the morning... i was reading through some of our msn conversation history... yes i did save them cuz i knew that what was happening to me was something to be treasured... and all over again i went through the emotions of the time we were together... i started with the end worked my way back to the first conversation.

it's like love makes you dumb... not just dumb as in stupid but dumb as in can't speak. we were spend hours on msn making absolutely no sense but totally understanding eachother... have you ever seen a msn window of kisses? of roses? of hearts? to me... they gave me bursts of utter joy... someone loved me and i got it... i understood it cuz i loved him right back. ohh the silliness was insane and coloured orange with cheesiness... but what do you expect?

so recalling all that makes it so hard to once again realize hey, its not gonna happen and perhaps i'm being grown up by not letting myself have exactly what i want but letting myself have some time so that i can get what i deserve... someone who wants me just as i am... the charlene that has the dumb cell phone plan so that you can't talk to me for hours... the charlene that lives in toronto... hours away from them... the charlene that cries at everything and freakes out on occation my conscience was catching up with me... i was hoping that he would love us enough for the distance between us... but i guess he couldn't... it was too hard for him.

so i'm moving on... even though part of me feels like i'm not being loyal to him by doing so. i've been chatting with this guy on friendster and he makes me laugh. he's witty. i kinda like him and the more that we communicate it becomes harder not to like him... i'm really really trying not to like him cuz i already know what his reaction to me will be... disappointment that i'm not all that. it's usually the same any time i meet some one from friendster who has the pretense that i'm me but way more attractive. we hang out for the day and then we stop talking on msn totally.... so to avoid that akwardness i was really really hoping that i wouldn't like him so that there wouldn't be that assumption of attraction... like i said before.. no pressure how we each look when the intent is friendship and only friendship.

so halloween weekend is when it's all going down... part of me is excited to meet a new friend... a lot of me wants this week to be over painlessly... and part of me wishes that he'd like me as more than a friend.

bored!

2004-10-19T18:32:00.000-04:00

wow i'm so bored right now... i've been at my computer all day doing absolutely nothing! NOTHING but chatting with people! i'm so unproductive! i feel bad! grrr... i need a glass of orange juice... just cuz orange juice is always the answer!

i'm also wondering why i'm worrying about guys so much... should i be worrying? should i be spending all this time talking to all these guys, none of my other friends do this so why am i? life was so much easier when no guys talked to me at all... how am i supposed to concetrate on school? but then again... i'd still be spending my time thinking about guys even if they didn't talk to me.... and another thing.. if these guys are my friends what am i worrying about? why can't they be girls so that i don't have anything to over analyize and wonder what it will be like when we meet... yeah did i fail to mention that i'm gonna be meeting them in two weeks?... ahh i'm just being silly. there is no pressure when it comes to friendship... i've just got to remind myself of the fact. :O) i'll just enjoy the funny converstations with them and leave it at that :O) isn't it amusing to watch me struggle to justify what i'm feeling... fuitlessly i might add!

so how about that glass of orange juice??? :O)

Pat called

2004-10-18T21:43:00.000-04:00

so yeah this weekend was nice. my friend winnie bought chasing liberty so i went over to her place to watch it cuz i've never seen it before... and i also slept over at her place. it was fun cuz the movie is about travelling all around europe... the great sites and architechture! and we got all excited about our up coming trip to europe... i'm getting more and more excited about seeing venice! i just know i'll love venice!

so after the movie when every one else went to sleep and i still wasn't sleepy... i watched this movie that was playing on showcase that i've been wanting to see for a long time cuz i've heard that it was really good... tu y mama tambien... it's a mexican film about two boys going on a road trip with this beautiful spanish lady that just left her husband. i had the volume down to 1... i was sitting 2 feet from the screen trying to hear what they were saying even tho i don't understand spanish... and then winnie in a half-conscious stooper says to me... "can you turn it down?" and i'm like "oh, ok sure thing... it's already at one... but i'll turn it down" so there i turned it down to 0 and it was totally mute!!! thank goodness for subtitles... i guess that there really isn't any point to hearing the dialouge since i don't understand but it's kinda weird watching a movie with absolutely no noise at all... i couldn't hear the waves on the beach... or the roar or the car engine... it kinda makes you realize how much background noise we have and how it heightens the experience.... which now brings to mind absolute silence... which i was taught in highschool physics can be achived by emitting the exact opposite frequency so that the sound waves cancel eachother out. wouldn't that be weird??? to be like talking but not hearing anything at all??? i wonder if the hearing impared can hear themselves?... you know when you humm something or plug your ears and say something out loud but can still hear what you are saying??? i wonder if the deaf can hear that? probably not. i have a friend that was born totally deaf in one ear and she had this test done on her where they stimulated part of her inner ear or something so that she could actually hear from that "ear" but since that part of her brain that was supposed to be used by that ear had never "heard" anything before the sounds actually made no sense cuz the brain couldn't interpreat the electrcial signals. pretty cool, eh? the brain is so cool!

so anyways, i went to sleep after tu y mama tambien and was woken up by my cell phone... it was pat... i hadn't called him in two months. in fact, the last time i did call him was to tell him that where we were in our relationship wasn't working out for me. we had broken up way back in march and promised to stay friends but every time we did see eachother we would end up crossing that friendship boundry and it would be like we were still together... you know what i mean... we were't friends... we were f*** friends... and trust me i thought i'd never be that kinda girl... and deep down i knew that i wasn't that kinda girl... it just took me a few months of trying to justify my actions to myself to realize i couldn't really justify them at all... there was a low point that pushed me to do something about it so i called pat and told him.. i love being with him... but when he left all i felt was bad... i felt bad for giving in to my desires instead of sticking to my beliefs and in the end we were just using eachother... i was using him for attention and comfort and "love". i think you will always love your first love... and he was mine. i had to face the facts... he broke up with me and i wasn't really letting him go... and if i was supposed to move on i really couldn't move on with the way we were acting... i needed his help to let him go... so i called him and said "i'm really not gonna be able to see you for awhile because seeing you makes me want to be with you" and he said that he'd try to not call me until i was ready to call him. and that night i erased his number from my cell...

i was surprised when he called me... i was still at winnie's and she over heard my side of the conversation... he said that he still thinks about me and was surprised that i hadn't called for two months. and i told him that it's cool that he got in touch with me because i had tried to call him about two weeks ago but couldn't reach him... and i never left a message cuz i didn't know what to say. so there we were... lieing down on our respective beds, in our respective pjs talking on the phone... and it was so cool to feel like... yeah he still thinks about me. i was actually afraid that he would have totally moved on and felt nothing for me in those two months apart and that when i got him on the phone i'd be wasting his time. so he asked me what i was doing that day and i told him i didn't have plans so we set up to meet at 2pm that afternoon. we went back to my place and just hung out... listened to music... talked... cuddled (which i guess does cross the friend boundry) but i'm still proud of myself for not giving into my desires... i've got to practice a lot more self discipline. i said to him while we were cuddling.. "i'm trying so hard not to kiss you" and he's like "why?" and i said "cuz i can't go back there" and it's true... i can't go back there... i have to make progress if i want someone who wants something real with me. so yeah i think it went well... i can see that we still really care about eachother... i can see that we still have that chemistry... but sometimes that isn't enough. i can really actually see eachother becomeing real friends, which is what i hope for cuz we should be a part of eachother's lives, right?

bad little blogger

2004-10-14T05:30:00.000-04:00

i know i know... i've been a bad little blogger... it's been a week since my past post! and i should make this process more regularly. it's been a strange week... i think that all nighter i pulled for my paper finally caught up to me. so let me catch ya up on what i've been up to this past week...

after i handed in my paper on friday i went to class till 1 pm but at that point i had just one more hour of class (phil of film) and the thought of actually going to it was too much... at that point i felt like it would have been an astronomical effort to stay up even one more hour so i went to sleep... and i slept till 7pm... which in turn screwed up my sleeping pattern cuz i couldn't get back to sleep till 5am saturday morning. the dumb thing about going to sleep in the morning is that you end up sleeping the day away.... in any case, i ended up having dinner with my friends at 10:30 at night.

it was cool actually cuz my friend's winnie and janice just finished watching newlyweds and on that episode, jessica had a girls night out... so out of blue and inspired by jessica simpson they called me and asked if i wanted to go out... and winnie yelled in the background over the phone "GET DRESSED UP!" wooo hoooo! after a day of slobbery and bumming around in pjs i have the occation to get all beautiful! i love dressing up... i'm a girl in so many ways :O) i put in my contacts, and straightened my hair and did my bangs cuz i was totally inspired by jude law's girlfriend who has really cute bangs... i was watching a bio on jude law or something earlier that evening :O) we walked to milestones for dinner and then went to milano lounge on king st for drinks. we did the usual girl talk... actually while at milestones we were people watching... we saw this cute couple.. about our age... it looked like they were on a really good date cuz they were so into eachother and it was so obvious by their body language... and just kinda made all of us feel awwww... when will it be our turn... when will we be romanced? a girl just wants to feel wanted sometimes. a girl just wants the a good one to pay some attention and think we are special. anyways, that night we also talked about liking younger men.... my friend was worried that there was something wrong with her cuz she always seems to like the younger guys... but we consoled her by saying it's not like she likes them BECAUSE of their age... it's just that they HAPPEN to be younger and it's tough cuz we are constantly around younger people since we are in our last year at uni. i dunno if we helped or not. i actually think she needs a father figuer type guy but she seems to be attracted to the immature fun type... wish is strange cuz she's so serious and boring... i guess in her case she's attracted to people who are opposite of who she is... do you think that says anything about her self love? some times i wonder why i'm attracted to people who are physically opposite of me... is it because i hate my physicallity? is that a word? i don't think so... anyways...yeah getting dressed up was fun and i promised them that i'd wear my contacts more often this winter... i promised i wear them on monday,s tuesdays and thursdays.... see wearing my contacts really bug me cuz i find them mood altering... they make my eyes feel sleepy and therefore make me tired in general... and i'm less fun when i'm groggy... i'm quieter and grumpier so i don't like wearing them... but then i'm cuter when i wear them... or so my friends say.

on sunday i went up to shelburne for thanksgiving dinner at a friend's place, she's my age and already bought a semi-detatched house with her boyfriend... i mean her life is filled with so much more responsibility... her life is so much more mature than mine. Ryan, the boyfriend, cooked most of the dinner and just seems to be a great guy... it's kind a like they are married and they seem so comfortable and right for eachother... i look at her life and know that that's what i'll eventually want but know that i'm not ready yet. you know that feeling when you go to a family friend's house for a dinner party and there are about 4 other families with children there... there is a table for the parents and a table for the kids.... i still feel like i belong to the kids table... and i look around at some of my friends and think... wow they've graduated to the grown ups table and i can't realisticly foresee myself belonging at the grown up table right now or even in two years when i'm 24. it seems like such a quantum leap to get there... what do i have to do to grow up cuz the grown up table seems like a scary place to eat.

on monday i spent the afternoon with my parents... my mom woke me up the way she used to when i lived at home a year ago. i know i'm not near to believing that i'm an adult woman but when she came into my room... sat at the foot of my bed... said "wakey wakey my pretty baby girl" while sweeping my hair off of my face... i blink as blinding sunlight shows me her smiling face looking so lovingly at me... somehow that doesn't feel right anymore either. i just laid there thinking i don't feel like a baby anymore either. i have become more worldly since i've moved away from home and i almost feel like i'm lieing to my mom by letting her believe that i'm still a sweet innocent baby. i mean by my standards i'm not innocent but by the worlds standards i'm as clueless as a newborn pup. i don't even think my mom realizes i have male friends cuz anytime i tell her that i'm hanging out with "aaron/carey/don" she immediatly thinks i'm hanging out with "erin/kerry/dawn" hahaha you know what i mean? so anyways, that night i went to meet my friend cuz we were going to his highschool friend's thanksgiving dinner. the best part of the evening was getting to play with the puppy pichoo! hehehe so cute! i want a puppy but realize i'm too self absorbed to take care of one and it doesn't help that i'm mildly allergic. i feel kinda strange writing this part of the blog cuz i know that he reads it so now i'm all nervous about what he wants to hear me say about spending the evening with him. i really liked his friends but then also got that same feeling from the night before when i was at my friends place for thanksgiving cuz there were so many nice couples there and one of them was even getting married soon. there was this whole discussion on the formalities of registering for gifts and all that proper etiquette when planning a wedding, attending a wedding and so on. hahaha i mean it's all great but i was lost... am i supposed to know this stuff too? i've never been to a wedding before. i'm sorry if i wasn't much fun that night.... i'll blame it on my mood altering contacts :O) but at least i got a friendly hug at the end of the night. (and i also enjoyed looking at the photos on your computer thu)

so anyways that was my long weekend. i missed my tuesday class cuz i was all confused when i woke up the nextday... usually my frist thought when i wake up is what time is it and what do i have to do today... and so i woke up thought that it was monday and went back to sleep cuz on mondays i have a late class. BUT IT WASN'T MONDAY! it was tuesday and i slept through my class! boooo! so i basicly got a rude awakening when my friend called me and she could tell that i had just woke up hahaha! it was my best friend jenny and i had told her on the weekend to call me on tuesday after 12:00 cuz we'd meet up after my class. i was helping her carry the chairs she bought at caban back to her place. i had so much fun... i always have so much fun with her... and she said something to me that i think willl stay with me for a while... she said that i have so much spirit. i love that! and it's at these moments that i realize i'm a good person... cuz i don't usually think about how great i am.. i usually think about how great my friends are and i forget that i'm a good friend too. and isn't it truely everyone's goal to find love in every relationship we forge? we want to be loved by our friends and family and lovers... it's all about love. so i had one of the best days i've had in a long time... and i didn't need to be fed or need a lot of friends or anything... all i needed was to be with someone i loved and just laugh with them a little. i mean the chairs were awefully heavy but the whole time we carried them we had smiles on our faces and were doubled over not just from the load we were carrying but mostly due to the intense laughter! it was so great!

inform the party patrol

2004-10-07T03:10:00.000-04:00

...cuz this calls for a celebration! woo hoo! :O)
i found my friend's cheque.. it was in my purse the whole time.. but you've got to understand... i have like a tonne of purses so it was by only by the guiding hand of GOD that i picked up this purse to use today... and what do i find at the bottom of the bag neatly folded in half??? JENNY'S CHEQUE!!! score!!! i'm so happy.

i've been stressing a little... ok ... a lot about my report due this friday. i was kinda down about it today and my friends did their darndest to cheer me up. don't you just love friends like that? sometimes i look at the wonderful people in my life and think... wow! i'm so lucky! i don't deserve these wonderful people! what's cool is i'm reminded of something i learned in a psychology class i took last year. basicly it said that "life is suffering" and that you will only truely appreciate what you have when you realize that you don't deserve any of it. and i think that's true because who ever said that we are entitled to happiness is lieing to us! our birth into this world doesn't entitled us to anything at all. so i think once you really try to understand that.. any good thing becomes a gift, right? am i making any sense? so i should stop feeling poopy about having to write this paper... cuz life is suffering... and understanding suffering will only deepen my understanding of happiness. anyways, don't want to get all philosophical cuz i don't really know what i'm talking about.

ok back to this damn report... wish me luck!

i found it...

2004-10-06T02:17:00.000-04:00

my nail file that is... i still don't know where my friend's cheque is! booo! and in case you were wondering where the nail file was, it was under my pillow. hehehe

so yeah what a boring day... i woke up and put in my contacts cuz i'm trying to get used to them... everyone says i look better with them in but they make me feel sleepy cuz my eyes feel heavier with them in. so yeah, i put them in and was ready for a fun day with my friend jenny... we were going to go to caban to buy some chairs for her new place and she needed my help to bring them back to her place... alas she had to cancel our shopping trip. so i ened up just watching much music and i fell a sleep.

i've also been working on my internship report which is due this friday... i'm just a procrastinator cuz it takes a lot to motivate me to do something but once i get going i'm pretty good. but then again i get distracted really easily too.. just like right now... i should be working on my report but i'm blogging instead... bad me.

i watched oprah today... it was about emotional torture... and i realized something... i used to emotionally torture my parents for a span of about 3 months or so.. i was just very negative towards them about a year ago... right before i moved out on my own... i wonder what was up my butt.. why was i so mean to them? they are the absolute best parents i could ask for. they have sacrificed everything for us, they do more than most parents do. they love unconditionally. maybe i was frustrated with the situation... the commuting was getting to me? school? the upcoming move perhaps? now that i think back on it... it was a hard time and i wasn't really happy, i really felt stuck... not just physically stuck in a horrible daily schedule but also stuck personally... i had out grown my own life and personality... and i guess i didn't like who i was. hahah perhaps i was getting to that teenage rebellion phase that ya hear so much about... but for me, i happened once i left my teenaged years. instead of going out and smoking, partying, drinking and being loose... the morals that my parent's instilled in me stayed intact and i found another way to rebel... by just being plain mean to them.
the turning point was this screaming fight i had with my mom in the car... she was driving and i was yelling at her for a stupid reason that was so insignificant that i don't even remember anymore... and she said this "i can't wait for you to move, just leave." and that hit me like a tonne of bricks. it went in my ears and straight to my heart because the woman that showed me how to love,,, the reason i know how to smile... the person that i love more than myself just had enough of me... and that stopped me in my seat. i suddenly realized how horribly i had been behaving... how horrible i've been sounding.. how horrible the words coming out of my mouth were. and i cried... i cried so hard i couldn't breath... and i couldn't talk to her because of the guilt that was flooding in. i was so hurt because in all the mean things i had said to her in the past 3 months, not once did i say i wanted her to leave... not once did i say that i didn't want her anymore... and for me to have been so mean that i brought my mom to the point were she could say that to me... her "baby girl" ... i just really hated myself for pushing my mom to that point.
after that event, i learned my lesson... i guess i just needed to be kicked in my head to get the message and ever since then i've been so much better... i'm not angry anymore... i wasn't angry at them in the beginning... i was just taking my personal frustration out on them. and instead of bottling up my disatisfaction, i did something about it... i grew up a little. it was time for me to do a little soul searching and i've got to say... even though life is a little more complicated now, i'm much happier with it this way cuz this is who i am right now.

am i absent minded???

2004-10-04T23:11:00.000-04:00

ok i lost my friend's cheque... and a week ago i lost my credit card... why am i losing things? i'm usually so organized or at least i know where things are most of the time but what's going on??? and i can't find my nail file!!! i need to file my nails cuz they are all chipped from bowling yesterday. grrr i hate not being able to find my things!

i just need to clean my room now

and another thing... i hate it when i make a friendly comment and the person that i said it too finds a way to turn it into a snippy comment... i'm not making a snippy comment... just understand the intent of my comment... which by the way usually a compliment... you don't have to make me feel like i made a snide remark when i know i didn't mean to! my friend got a boyfriend and i said to her " you sure know how to pick'em" and it was a commpliment that he's a good guy and that he's a good choice because he seems like a sweet guy! but she has to answer back... "i didn't pick him he picked me... i didn't even know he liked me... he liked me first" DEFENSIVE!!! whoa! i mean i wasn't implying that you are a gold digger trying to sleep your way to the top by going out with the bosses son!!! i was just saying he seems nice!!! sheesh! anyways... glad i got that off my chest and onto the web. haha

first blog ever

2004-09-28T04:27:00.000-04:00

wow! welcome to the exciting world of blogging eh?... i've heard so much about it and i hope it becomes part of my routine... not that i've got all the time in the world to write to myself. but hey, try any thing once i say... well almost anything. i wouldn't try sword swallowing. i've been told that i should start a journal, "the top executives journal" did you know that... and i've been told that i have a pretty good command of the english language so that's all the convincing i'll need :O) easy sell. hmm what do i hope to get out of this.. maybe it'll turn into a record of my life... help me be insiteful... help me release what i'm thinking and feeling about what's up with me... help me grow up.

i think i'll let this one be short and sweet.. dont' want to be too ambitious the first time out and all :O)